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The festive season can be a really tricky time for many neurodivergent kids (and adults to be fair!) As parents, it can be so difficult to know how best to support our children, enabling them to have fun opportunities but also ensuring their needs are met and they are regulated. So here are some tips to help you support your neurodivergent kids and have a happy, peaceful Christmas.
How to support neurodivergent kids at Christmas
Let go of your expectations
This I think is THE most important thing of all in terms of supporting neurodivergent kids at Christmas. I remember when our kids were little and it was so hard to understand why the lovely festive outings we had planned seemed to inevitably end in overwhelm, tears and disaster! Now I understand that sensory overload and the huge pressure of our expectations were massive contributing factors. These days we understand the twigs and how their brains work so much better, so we only do activities that work for us. We also try not to worry about what we ‘should’ be doing and focus on what’s right for us.
Don’t compare your festive season to others
That leads me to my next tip. It’s really important not to compare what you’re doing with others. It’s all too easy to see other families on Instagram doing five billion wonderful festive trips in matching outfits and feel that all too familiar parent guilt creep in. Especially if you and your family happen to be sat in pyjamas on devices eating snacks. But guess what? If that’s what your family need, then it’s absolutely fine and nothing to feel guilty about! In fact, you should feel proud that you’re doing a fabulous job of meeting your children’s needs.
Allow plenty of downtime
This is something we have gradually learned over the years. Neurodivergent children often need a lot of downtime to regulate. After we’ve had a day out, I always aim to leave the next day free so that we can just chill and recuperate. I find doing this makes a huge difference. When we do then have trips out, they are much more likely to be a success, compared to when I used to over-plan and feel the pressure to be busy all the time.
Use accommodations
Make sure you use whatever accommodations your child needs to feel safe and regulated. Whether it’s ear defenders, sunflower lanyards, fidget tools, comfort items/toys etc. We always take a sensory toolkit with us wherever we go, containing all these sorts of items.
Also, don’t be afraid to advocate for what your children need when you’re at festive activities. If they need to escape or have a minute to regulate themselves, ask if there’s a quiet space you can use. Or if you need an end seat so you can escape easily, ask if that’s possible.
Prepare and plan carefully for days out
I’m still not always great at this as I tend to fly by the seat of my pants quite a lot of the time! But I am learning to be more organised and research places we’re going to in advance. It really does make a difference. It means that I know what to expect, and in turn I can warn the kids of what to expect too and give them a heads up of what’s likely to happen. Some companies, particularly if they’re running SEN-specific activities or events, even offer social stories in advance, which can be very handy.
Have an exit strategy for festive outings
No amount of planning is going to account for the fact that sometimes it just goes wrong and you need to leave somewhere early. Again, being prepared for this makes it so much easier to deal with. It can be especially difficult if you have more than one child and one needs to leave though. If you have other adults with you, try to make a plan with them for who will leave with the struggling child if it comes to it. The worst thing is being caught off guard when you’re looking forward to something yourself then suddenly need to leave because your child isn’t coping.
Make use of carer discounts
Many venues offer carer discounts if you are in receipt of DLA or have an Access card. Festive days out can be super expensive and if your ND child does need to leave early due to overwhelm, it at least makes the waste of money slightly less painful.
Be flexible with how you do Christmas presents
Giving and receiving presents can be full of demands and expectations for neurodivergent children. So try to limit the pressure on them. If they have made a very specific wishlist, try to stick to that if they need to know what to expect. Or if not, try to warn them and manage their expectations beforehand as surprises on the day can be really tricky. Some kids love a surprise pressy, but for others it can be too much. You know your child best here, but if they’re not keen on surprises, then make sure any unexpected presents are fairly safe bets, eg related to a special interest.
For some children, particularly those with a PDA profile, waiting for presents can be a huge threat to their autonomy. So they may need to open presents in advance of Christmas Day. Again, you know what your child needs in order to feel safe, so go with that rather than what you feel society expects.
Do Christmas Day your way
It can be really hard to let go of traditions surrounding Christmas, especially if you were brought up with strict expectations on Christmas Day. But happiness and regulation are key. So if eating Christmas dinner doesn’t work for your family, don’t do it. If eating chicken nuggets and not sitting together at the table is what keeps everyone happy and regulated, then do that. If seeing lots of extended family is too overwhelming, then try to spread visits out over the festive period, and keep things small. You’ll find ways to grab moments of connection with each other – it may look different to the traditional Christmas but that doesn’t matter.
Accept that there will be stressful moments
The fact is, it is highly likely that no matter how much you plan, accommodate, reduce expectations and all the rest, there will still be stressful moments. And that’s ok! The festive season is a stressful and overwhelming time. Everywhere is busy, everything looks different, people expect you to be happy and grateful… It’s a lot. So just accept that there will most likely be meltdowns. Try to prevent where possible but otherwise support your child through as best as you can, and look after your own nervous system too! Which brings me to my final point…
Prioritise meeting your own needs
It is so easy to spend the festive season running around trying to meet everyone else’s needs while completely neglecting your own. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Your own nervous system regulation needs to be a priority, as you can’t be the safe person your child needs to coregulate with, if you are totally frazzled and have nothing left to give. Now, that is all way easier said than done. In reality, life is busy and the Christmas period can feel manic. So look for small windows of opportunity for self regulation and self care. It might just be doing 5 minutes of deep breathing in a room by yourself, having a hot cuppa or escaping for a walk with a friend.
Or it might be making sensory accommodations for yourself, as well as the children. I often find myself incredibly overstimulated when we’re at home or in the car and the twigs are making loads of noise. Rather than getting snappy with them, I try to remember to pop in my Loop earplugs to help reduce my own overwhelm.
I really hope this post has been helpful and given you some ideas on how to support your neurodivergent kids at Christmas.
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